Today, as I sat down for a shopping break, I overheard a telephone conversation between two women. The things that I heard made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up with fury.
'What? He hit you?! You're almost due! Is the baby ok? Don't cry hun . He's an idiot. Is this the first he's hit you? No way....'
My mind immediately filled with questions I wish I could have asked, like: Why is she even with him? Why doesn't she leave? If he's abusive, why get pregnant? (providing it was planned).
These toxic and intense, messy and dramatic, violent and emotionally draining relationships all bare the same classic hallmarks.
It seems as though the abusers are all a chip off the old block. Well, actually, they are. The old block is Sociopathy.
Definition: Sociopath
"A person with antisocial personality disorder. Probably the most widely recognized personality disorder. A sociopath is often well liked because of their charm and high charisma, but they do not usually care about other people. They think mainly of themselves and often blame others for the things that they do. They have a complete disregard for rules and lie constantly. They seldom feel guilt or learn from punishments. Though some sociopaths have become murders, most reveal their sociopathy through less deadly and sensational means."
Leaving isn't so easy when you're tied up to the invisible shackles of a Sociopath.
Many women (or men) don't actually know that they're in a relationship with a sociopath, as they look and act (in the beginning) as any person does and would. The victim puts their partner's intense mood-swings down to hot temper, a bad day at work or a bout of jealousy. More than likely, the victim will always be made to feel it is their fault.
You must be honest with yourself and seek help and guidance, if needed, in order to leave. These dangerous relationships never get any better. Quite the opposite, they get worse with time and usually end disastrously . They are emotionally crippling and have a devastating effect on one's self-esteem, self-worth and ultimate ability to trust your own judgement.
If children are involved, the abuse that they experience/witness, whether physical or verbal, will shape the kind of adults they're grow up to be. All too often, abusers were once abused.
Sisters, it is important to recognise the red flags. The signs. They could ultimately save your life. If the following indicators sound all too familiar- run for the hills!
- Glibness and Superficial Charm
Sociopaths have high charisma and tend to attract a following just because people want to be around them. They have a "glow" about them that attracts people who typically seek guidance or direction. They often appear to be sexy or have a strong sexual attraction. Not all sexy people are sociopaths, obviously, but watch out for over-the-top sexual appetites - Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. - Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." - Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. - Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. - Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises. - Incapacity for Love
They are entirely self-serving. They may feign love or compassion in order to get what they want, but they don't actually FEEL love in the way that you or I do. - Isolates You
Sociopaths like to meet people and to move fast and come in close. This is so you don't have a chance to pull back or change your mind. You may find that, after just a few weeks, the sociopath is acting very intensely around you. - Immaturity
Sociopaths do not learn from their mistakes and repeat the same ones again and again. Therefore, they do not grow or develop as much as other people do. Look for immature behavior that may be hidden underneath the person's veneer of charisma and charm. Here is some behavior to look for: extreme selfishness, a huge ego, neediness. - Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. - Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. - Intense Eye ContactSociopaths are known for giving intense uninterrupted eye contact, because they are completely comfortable staring at people to make them uncomfortable and to further their own means. In her memoir, Confessions of a Sociopath, M. E. Thomas talks about her frequent tactic of giving people long, uninterrupted stares to get what she wants.
- Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. - Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. - Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. - Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape, sexual intensity. - Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. - Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily. - Pity playThey appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
Other Related Qualities:
- Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
- Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
- Authoritarian
- Secretive
- Paranoid
- Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
- Conventional appearance
- Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
- Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
- Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
- Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
For help and support in dealing with domestic violence, here are some helpful contacts:
English National Domestic Violence Helpline
0808 2000 247
www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
0808 2000 247
www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
Men’s Advice Line
0808 801 0327
www.nour-dv.org.uk/
NHS
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/abuse/Pages/domestic-violence-help.aspx
Hestia
www.hestia.org/
Victim Support
www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-victims/ive-been-affected/domestic-abuse
One other characteristic of a sociopath is backing you into a corner while they talk to you (and, yes, it is "to" you, not "with" you), effectively trapping you and making you unable to escape their control.
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