Friend Or Frenemy

Asalam Walaikum, my sisters! 

They say diamonds are a girl's best friend. My diamonds are, my friends.

But what makes a true friend? How do you know someone is worth keeping in your life? And how do you spot a fake?

Being in my home-town means meeting with my home-girls! I had a catchup recently over tea and cupcakes and, Subhanallah, it was as though I had never left! They were all as happy and excited to see me as I was to see them and we picked up right where we left off as if I had been with them just yesterday.

 For me, friendship has never been about quantity, but rather, quality. I can't stress it enough. A few good friends are worth a million hi-bye acquittances. But, for me, the process of finding these gems was not an easy one. 

Unlike many other people, I've never belonged to a "click" or an already formed group of friends. In fact, my group of friends only really see each other when I have a gathering. They each have their own social circle but share me as a friend in common with the other girls. 

This happened by accident, but with good reason. Each one of my friends has something that I value greatly in them. Each has been weeded out from a haystack because they have the qualities that I value in a friend. The result has been an eclectic bunch of beautiful, smart, loyal and caring friends that I call sisters. 

They have been with me through thick and thin and have given me the fondest, most sweetest, memories of my life. 

Through experience and reflection here are the answers to the above questions...

What draws people together as friends?

1. Common interests. 

1. History.  

1. Common values. 

1. Equality
   
   Hallmarks of a true friendship

• • Caring- of your well-being, your health, your success

  • Trust- with secrets, possessions, advice and what is most valuable to you. 

  • Mutual Respect- even of your differences

  • Supportive- they genuinely want you to do well and are genuinely happy when you do. 

  • Encouraging- they push you to better yourself and achieve more.

  • Honesty- telling the truth, even when it's not what you want to hear.

  • Humour- the ability to laugh through your highs and lows, together.

  • Reliance- Do they have your back?

  • Genuine- where what you say, think and do are in harmony.

  • Accepting- of your identity, who you are, and how you live your life.

  • Loving- friends are the family you choose for yourself.

  
  

  Red Flags and Fakes

  
  

  • Jealous- If anything is to wreck a friendship, it's jealousy. If they are jealous of you, they can never ever really be a true friend because they don't want you to succeed. They secretly want your downfall and are not genuinely happy when you do well - quite the opposite. They can never have the above mentioned attributes of a true friend because their secret loathing and envy of you inhibits it.

  • Puts you down- their criticism isn't constructive, or aimed at helping you better yourself, it is aimed at making you feel inadequate, unskilled, and ultimately, making themselves feel better. They raise their self-esteem by trying to bring yours down.

  • Copy Cat- they say imitation is the highest form of flattery, but there is a fine, fine line. If you find that your "friend" copies everything you do-and denies it, much to your annoyance, then it is an unbalanced friendship. Equality does not exist between you if one person is constantly stealing the other person's ideas/style/identity. It can be even more annoying when this person does not acknowledge that they copied you, or insists that they did it first or that it is merely a "coincidence"...every millionth time.
    
    

  • Uncaring- if your "friend" does not seem to genuinely care if you are upset, ill, or in need of assistance then they lack a valuable quality of a true friend. If you are choking and they don't even bat an eyelid, you have a problem.
    
    

  • No compliments- This ties in with jealousy. Friends make each other feel good about themselves. If your "friend" never compliments you but is all too happy to point out any negativity then they are most likely disingenuous.

  •  Steals your friends- if they try to form friendships, in secret, with people that you introduced them to and then push you out of the picture- you are dealing with a fr-enemy.

  • History but nothing else- because history, alone, is not enough. Sometimes what used to bind you together, is no longer. People grow older and grow apart. Life experiences change and shape us and the people that we used to get along with and share so much in common with may change life direction. Shared principles and morals are one of the building blocks of a good friendship and if you find that you share nothing in common, as much as you try to respect each other's differences, it is not a good recipe for a strong and enduring friendship.

  • Negative vibes - ultimately, trust your gutt. If something doesnt feel right about a person, then there is a reason. If you feel negative vibes iminating from them- then don't ignore these signs. After meeting a friend you should feel uplifited, invigurated, stimulated and most importantly- happy. However, if you are left feeling drained, negative and frustrated, well, you have some spring cleaning to do, sis.

  Every so often, it's important to reflect and re-assess. Trust your gut and if a friendship no longer serves it's purpose, then it's time to be brave and do a spring clean.
  
  The most important thing is to be the friend that you want to attract.